Top 10 annoying things that well meaning straight people do...
Sunday, September 16, 2007 at 07:42PM 
Stumble It!I love my straight friends, but I thought that this might be a fun way to let people know that we’ve heard it and done it. We love you but kindly knock it off, k?
10. Ask if someone else is gay.
Please don’t ask. You know I’m gay because I felt the need to tell you. I’m out. I don’t care who knows. That’s my way of living. The other guy may not be out. Coming out is a delicate process and a person has to approach it in their own time. Yes, it may be patently obvious to you and I that Twinkletoes McFairypants is gay, but he may not see it that way. He may just be coming to terms with it himself.
9. Act shocked when I say I used to date women.
OK. Yes. I had a high school girlfriend. We were together for 3 years. When I mention this, do not question my ability to use pronouns.
Me: Funny, my ex-girlfriend used to do that too! She loved it when -
WMSF (Well meaning straight friend): GIRL-friend????
Me: (annoyed at the fact that we now, once again, have to change the subject to my sexuality) Yes, GIRLfriend. I was in the closet once, you know. I was in high school.
WMSF: Whoa. I never pictured you with a girl. Wow.
Me: Sigh.
8. Call my BOYFRIEND my FRIEND.
This one gets on my nerves more than anything. He is not my friend. You are my friend, he is the person with whom I am having an ever-deepening emotional and satisfyingly sexual relationship. Introducing him to people as my “friend” cheapens and demeans that relationship, and makes me want to slap you.
7. Assume that I hate women
When someone cannot empathise with a person’s way of being, then they assume all sorts of silly things. I think this one comes from the old chestnut that lesbians turned to women because they hate men. Therefore, men must do the same thing. This could not be farther from the truth.
I love women. They were my earliest and remain my strongest confidantes. Women accept me for who I am far more frequently than men. Women appreciate me for who I am. I appreciate women for who they are as well. Someone so different from me in many ways, but more similar to me than most other men. Yes. I adore women, I just don’t date them.
6. Set me up on a date
I certainly don’t mind being set up on a date. But understand this. Just because I am one of two gay people you know does not mean that you now have a matched set. We aren’t salt and pepper shakers. We’re people. I don’t mind meeting him. But back the hell off with the pressure.
5. Condescend about marriage and love
This one happens far too often. I’m having a conversation with someone. They say something about their relationship. I can relate because I have a relationship too. They then get this condescending look on their face and say, “Well, it’s not really the same…”
It really is. Straight people do not get to have a monopoly on relationship stuff. I still wake up next to someone every morning. I still have to deal with their foibles and idiosyncrasies. I still have to deal with sex and whether I’m getting enough for my tastes. It’s all there. There is not one thing…save female reproductive issues…that is different between gay and straight relationships. I defy you to name one…
4. Tell me that I’m ok, cuz I act straight, but Joe isn’t because he acts like a fag
I don’t care. Even if I don’t like Joe, it isn’t because he acts gay. This is you dealing with your crippled manhood. If Joe’s effeminate ways make you uncomfortable…i can’t imagine why. Perhaps you find yourself attracted to him? Perhaps he is what you fear you will become if you tell the world about your attraction to men. The only thing this kind of statement means to me is that you are uncomfortable with effeminate men, and the only conclusion I can draw as to why, is that you are either bi or gay yourself and are just having a hard time coming to terms with it.
Regardless, you don’t get to make fun of “fags” while you’re around me, and if I find out you do it while you’re not around me, our friendship will cool very quickly.
3. Assume I’m attracted to you (or that I’m not)
This is for the males out there. The biggest reason that gay men avoid straight male friends is this issue. Straight men seem to think that we all want them. This is due to the dehumanizing nature of stereotypes. Gay men have become this sex predator who sit and wait in corners for men to walk by so we can oogle and drool at them.
Let’s drag this one into the light of reality. Gay men have the same sexual urges that straight men do, they are just aimed in a different direction. We are also realistic about it. Sure, I might find you attractive, but odds are that I’m not going to do anything about that, cuz you are straight.
Straight men seem to think that they’d be able to convert lesbians…but they would not. Lesbians aren’t attracted to men. So it would be a HUGE waste of time for a straight man to go after a lesbian. Same with gay men and straight men. Why waste the energy.
2. Tease Me. (for straight men)
Yeah, ha ha ha. It’s funny. Knock it the hell off. You found out that I was attracted to you. I’m doing my best to avoid the subject, because it’s futile. Don’t go touching me just because you know that I’m attracted. it’s just not nice and it’s not playing fair. Allow me to bring the lesbians back for a sec. Imagine that the girl you thought was hot turned out to be a lesbian…She found out about it…She then started rubbing up all over you. Then kept reminding you that you don’t have a chance. You’d be nuts…It’s exactly the same thing. Thank you for being cool enough to play with me…but you can knock it off now.
1. Try to convert me.
Be it to heterosexuality or Christianity, don’t try to make me into you. I’ve dealt with these issues already. Look, I know in your brain you are trying to help me. You think that I’m going to hell or whatever. But try to imagine it the other way:
You are transported to a world where 90% of the population is gay. You are you. You are straight. You like the opposite sex very much. Now everyone on every TV show, every magazine, every church, every movie, every everything is telling you that you SHOULD be homosexual. Due to mounting pressures, you finally decide to give in. You go to an ex-straight group, they have meetings and try to get you to renounce your attraction to the opposite sex. You eventually get married to a person of the same sex. You know, deep down, that this doesn’t feel right. It’s just not how you were made. You try to have sex with this person, but it just grosses you out. Eventually you wind up getting a divorce, and getting into a relationship with the opposite sex partner you always wanted.
Well. That is what I know about me. I know that I cannot and will not change to someone who I am not. Please don’t keep trying to make me. I know you care. But let it go.
Shayalon
A few things that I’ve heard people mention: (Will add them as I remember/hear them)
SAYING “THAT’S SO GAY”:
I tend to get pretty annoyed at this. It creates an atmosphere of tolerance for bigotry. It equates the word “gay” with stupid or lame. It should be intention that matters; I’ve always said that.
However, it’s very similar to a white person saying “What color do I look to you?” when someone asks them to do something. The implication is that the request would only be made of a slave. The further implication is that there is something inherent to black skin that implies slavery. The argument could be made that the person doesn’t mean anything by it…but it’s completely offensive and disrespectful. If the person doesn’t mean anything by it, then they shouldn’t say it. It would be acceptable to say “Do I look like a slave to you?” The meaning would still be the same without the implication that black people were born to be slaves.
Saying “That’s so gay” is the same thing. You could say “That’s so dumb” or come up with something wittier without implying that gay people are stupid.
If someone has trouble with this concept, they should just remember one thing: If you wouldn’t say this in front of someone who was gay/black/older/etc., then don’t say it. Have some moral standards…
SAYING “THAT’S OKAY” or “NO PROBLEM” WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT TO THEM:
(Thanks to Alexander, in his comment below)
This one isn’t too bad, but it’s something I’ve come to expect whenever I come out to someone who doesn’t know many gay people. I think the intention is to let me know that they aren’t a bigot, while at the same time controlling their reaction to the surprise information I’ve just provided them. It comes across, however, as granting permission:
Me: I’m gay.
WMSF: I will allow it.
While I appreciate that you aren’t put off by my gayness, I don’t need your permission to be gay. I know that that isn’t what your trying to say but it’s easily interpreted that way…
A good lesson in life is this: When in doubt, say nothing. Your attitude of acceptance will be made clear when you don’t hit me with a stick or inform me of my impending trip the the netherworld.
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Reader Comments (40)
Well, Daniel...I know I was guilty of number 9. I have seen the error of my ways and promise to straighten up and act right from now on. I don't recognize myself in any of the others...at least I hope I haven't done them. Very insightful, my friend. Who has a BOYFRIEND!!!
I'm an idiot...I meant number 8 and you probably think I didn't really read the post. I did. What time did I post that comment...was it late in the hours last night when I was waiting for the press roll over? I get delusional after 7 usually. Forgive me...again.
I admit I was a bit confused. But that clears it up :) Believe me, you are not the only one does it. Almost everyone does it.
Right on the spot, but there are a few missing, to my humble opinion. People who say "that's alright" or "it happens in even the best of families" when they find outI'm gay. I don't need them to maek an excuse for me. I don't feel the need to apologize for being gay, and I don't want them to tell me that it's alright. Yeah, it's alright. It's also alright that you're straight, have brown eyes, blond hair, whatever.
Completely agree with number four. Once a guy told m,e: "I'm actually quite right wing (who calls himself that?) and against gays, but you're quite alright since you don't act like it". Who assked you to grace me with your special attention? I told him that I didn't need to be the exception in his narrowminded little world.
Thanks Alexander. You are so right. I hate "That's alright." I'm so glad they graciously granted me permission to be gay.
There's also, now that I think about it, the too quick, "I don't care. Why should I care, people should be able to do what they want." This, in one breath. I understand the need to let me know that they are on my side. But it's pretty common behavior.
Another to add to the list is, "Wow! You don't look gay!" Like hellooo... what exactly is a gay person supposed to look like?
I shouldn't complain though, life as a bi-sexual female is much much easier. There is a definite a double standard when it comes to same-sex attraction among females.
~amber
Wow. I just love these.
I'm with you on all of these. What gets me is when other gay guys ask "How long have you two been friends?" You'd think that the gay folks would know better.
BTW, I found you through StumbleUpon.
WOW, thanks, I am currently printing out a stack of this post so that when folks say "but G, what did I do-I say-happened? why do you always take it so personally?" I can hand them your wonderful words instead of my lame ass "how am I supposed to take my sexuality?" thanks again.
As a straight man, I think all of these make complete sense, and I hope I'm not guilty of any of them... with the exception of 4 under certain circumstances. Let me elaborate...
Some people, who may be gay or straight, male or female, are exceptionally annoying. They squeal and giggle at little things, and act in a self-important way that gets on my nerves. A couple of "effeminate" gay people I know fit this description, and so to me the stereotype has some truth to it. Also, it's not that I feel attracted to them (I have spent a lot of time contemplating my sexuality), but effeminate gays can send off contradictory signals to a straight male brain. They act in a way that is attractive to a straight man, but they don't look or smell attractive to him. I think that for some people this could cause a subconscious dissonance which would manifest itself as irritation.
These are awesome! I also disagree with some of 4.
I do hate the comment "your ok coz you dont act gay" It really irritates me. But...
I am a gay man. I don't in any way hide that. I am however not in any way camp. I find it very irritating. I mean, why would a man who is attracted to MEN, be attracted to a man who acts like a woman? I like men not women, so act like a man.
Also I am unsure if acting camp is entirely necessary. It always feels put-on, attention seeking, and confrontational to me.
Hey,
I enjoyed your post, but I would like to comment on #2. One of my favorite things about many of my straight guys friends is that we are able to mutually tease each other. You think about any for of platonic relationship...I mean, (putting the 'grey' areas of sexuality aside), flirtation never hurt anyone, no matter who is doing the flirting, or teasing at it were.
I could understand if a straight guy kept leading you on and on and on and on, and then just never gave in. Which could be frustrating.
However, anything is possible. I suppose it all depends on the kind of person you are. I am of the type where, if there is a guy I'm attracted to, I go after him...gay or straight. Because my eyes don't discriminate.
Who knows? Maybe part of the playfulness is a ploy for attention...or maybe its an ambiguous of making you feel good...or maybe its purely a joke...anything is possible, dude.
All's I know is...I appreciate every one of my straight guy friends that tease and joke around with me. Just a thought.
I also hate it when people feel the need to disclose some embaressing fact about their sexual life to me when I tell them I'm gay, as if divulging my homosexuality is the same as admitting to some shameful embarrassing secret. "Oh, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm gay."
-"Really? I once had a foursome!"
-"Uh... that's nice...?"
Thank you Amber, Bernie, Jim, Jersey Gadfly, Simon, EDRM, Ryan & Jon. I'm glad you liked the list! Thanks for your great comments!
This certainly got me thinking. I guess I'm guilty of letting my straight friends do some of the above without pointing out to them that they're making an error. On the other hand, some of the things mentioned don't bother me that much ... maybe that's why I let them slide.
1, 5, 6, and 7 I totally agree with, these things irritate me greatly -- but all the rest of them I'm willing to tolerate to some degree. I think the reason is because I'M always making social errors myself, and am appreciative when people are understanding of my slowness and gently point it out to me, rather than getting confrontational about it.
I love this! My partner and I were just out with a few friends at an Oktoberfest last night and bumped into a few of his male coworkers. Both are straight. One lived in San Francisco and is far beyond the whole "gays are unusual" thing. His buddy was, just our luck, a guy who has "never met anyone gay before." So I heard a lot of this same crap. I'll give him credit for not being a bigot, but I don't need to hear, "Hey, dude, whatever you do is cool. I'm not one to judge. I'm straight, but I have no problem with you." Just makes me sigh and roll my eyes a lot.
I love being reminded that my life revolves around my sexuality in the eyes of others.
I'm down with this list, in fact I think it was very thoughtfully made, and more importantly, correct. However, I'm going to disagree pretty strongly with number 8. If you're among a group of peers, it can be negative, depending on the context, but I, a man, find myself and my girlfriend being introduced as Ikard and his friend, X, all the time. Sometimes that's how people introduce people who are in a relationship, straight or gay.
I agree with number 8. I'm a straight female and my boyfriend, well finace really, always seems to get introduced as my friend. I hate correcting people all the time. It's very aggravating. Your post made me realize I have done number six. Two of my gay friends seemed like they be good together and I tried to hook them up, but I suppose they should find their own boyfriends, cause it seems I'm not that great at setting people up. thanks for the post it was very insightful.
As to number 4, I don't think it's homophobia, I think it's just annoyance. "Faggy" men are really, really, really annoying. Live and let live.
Wonderful list. I do have to say that I'm gay and I still have a problem with really effeminate men. I mean, I'm not Clint Eastwood or anything either, but stop auditioning for "The Birdcage"! They've already made that.